Growing up in a household where Jesus was introduced to me at a very young age, I was always well aware of Him, His sacrifice and the need to give my life to Him. My mom brought myself and my siblings to church, read us stories from the bible and always made sure we were pointed in the direction of Jesus.
I distinctly remember at the age of about 7 my mom encouraging me to pray and ask Jesus to come live in my heart. She always explained the depth of the commitment and the necessity to fully surrender. Even though I was young and the things that held me back were small things, I still did recognize it was either all or nothing and so I prayed that prayer with no real conviction or commitment. That was the beginning of choosing the things in the world over Jesus.
I always had an idea of what I wanted my life to look like and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. It was in high school when things began to get really tough, my parents tried to keep me on the right track but I was extremely rebellious and just felt they were trying to interfere with my happiness. I looked forward to the day I turned 18 so that I could move out and finally be in charge of my own life. A few months after graduating high school I got into another of the many arguments I used to have with my parents and I left my house. At that time I was in a relationship with a guy who was involved in both drugs and drinking and we decided to move in together. I also got involved in drugs and was partying every night. I went to work either high or drunk and sadly, would much sooner spend money to party than to even feed ourselves. I became depressed and suffered major anxiety which lead me to seek therapy. I met with a christian councilor but again, because I was unwilling to truly make changes in my life, I resorted to anti-depressants and anti- anxiety medication which I abused also. Throughout these years my mom desperately tried to turn me toward God and although there was a part of my heart longing to be with Him, I felt so off track and still had so many things I didn’t want to give up. So I just kept going down the wrong path.
When I was 20, I was offered a job selling cars and because this job required a lot of hours and responsibility I pulled myself together. I pretty much stopped doing drugs, broke up with my boyfriend and started focusing on making money. Instead of using drugs to fill the void in my heart I filled it with materialistic items. I shopped constantly, went out to all the nicest clubs, bars and restaurants, vacationed to the nicest places and began living the life I had always dreamed of. Even with all that though, I never felt completely satisfied; there was always that nagging void.
I continued this path for a few years, my relationship with my parents was awful and I only cared about money and materialistic things. My identity was found in how I looked and what I had. I was always angry, short tempered, impatient, manipulative and I still suffered from anxiety. This was normal life to me though, it just became who I was.
Throughout this time I met a guy who I fell madly in love with, he made a lot of money, was attractive and a lot like me. We had the same desires and goals in life and so I threw myself into the relationship and he completely consumed my life. Our relationship was very up and down, when things were good, they were awesome but when they were bad, they were awful. I felt very controlled by the fear of losing him and that fear ran my life.
A few years into the relationship my anxiety was at an all time high so my mom recommended that I speak with the pastor of the church she attended to seek counseling again. I was desperate to feel better and so I did. The pastor came and met with me every Wednesday for months. He spoke to me about God but in a completely different way than I had ever heard before and it peaked interest. He invited me to go to church and although I went, my boyfriend hated this idea and gave me a really hard time about it and so I was not consistent with going. In June of 2008 I got engaged and it was clear that I had to choose my fiancé or God. It didn't appear there was an option to have both so I chose my fiancé. I stopped going to church and going for counseling and decided this was the direction I wanted for my life and assumed it would all work out. I began planning a wedding and moving on with my life. In February of 2009 my fiancé and I got into a huge argument and since I was living with him, in my own stubbornness and to prove a point, I packed up my stuff and went to my parents house. Although we had many arguments in the past, for some reason I felt different this time. I feared having issues in my upcoming marriage. I didn’t call or reach out to him and by the grace of God, I didn’t hear from him either. During that time I decided I was going to pick up my bible and see what God had to say about marriage and life in general. I knew that all my decisions in life had caused me so much pain and I was tired of suffering. I began reading the book of Matthew and was amazed at the fact that Jesus had left us so much direction for our lives and I was sorry I hadn’t paid attention to it. That Sunday when my family went to church I decided for the first time in my life that I was going to really talk to God. The only thing I could do though was say I as sorry. I really didn’t understand that I was repenting, I just knew that I wanted to tell Him I was sorry for ignoring Him all those years and doing things my way. I told Him I didn’t want to do things my way anymore and from that day I started actually walking that out. Having not finished reading the gospel or any further in the New Testament I had no idea what was happening. A few weeks later on March 28th I was standing in the kitchen cooking with my mom and she had a song called “Dance with me” playing in the back round. The lyrics caught my attention and I heard “Jesus, lover my soul”. Immediately, something in my head clicked and I understood all that I had read so far in the bible, understood all my mom had ever told me, all that pastor had ever told me and it was as if everything I had known and lived for up until that point meant nothing. It was all one big lie. What I saw in that moment though was so clear!! I knew that Jesus loved me all along, not for all the superficial reasons that people had loved me for, not because of my performance, what I did or had not done, what I looked like or what I had but he loved my soul! He really really loved me! This caused me to both cry and laugh at once. I was filled with so much joy!!
God began a rapid work in me and the journey walking along side my savior on the narrow road began. I gave up everything that did not glorify Him and poured myself into the word and getting to know Him better! 8 mos later after walking away from my fiance, the house we purchased together and life as I had known it, He led me to the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. It was an extremely painful process as He removed all the things that I had found my comfort, joy and peace in. The very things that should only come from Him. He broke patterns, changed mindsets and taught me what it meant to walk an un-compromised life of holiness, righteousness and purity.
I spent a total of 10 mos there where I attended a 3 month internship and then joined staff as a leader. It was an incredible experience where I grew so much in the Lord and my heart was stirred up with the very things that stir His heart. As the season at IHOP came to an end and He led me back to my home state of NJ my heart remains in the same place. To walk in the fullness of who He has called me to and be the hands and voice of Jesus.
