Shattered Boxes...

During the second "season" of the time I spent at IHOP, I was on leadership in an internship called "Intro to IHOP" or just "Intro" as it was often referred to.  In order to transition from an intern (which I initially was) to a staff member, I, along with everyone else was asked to take a Myers Briggs personality test. Their reasoning behind this request was to gain a better idea of who God created us to be, the way our minds tend to work, our strengths, our weaknesses, so on and so forth. With this information they can draw out our strengths and help us work on our weaknesses. At first I saw this simply as a requirement and so I went ahead with it. Since then, the Lord has used this information in such a radical way.
My test results indicated that I was an ESTJ (Extroverted, Sensory, Thinker, Judger) Upon reading the description of my "personality" I found so much freedom in an explanation as to why I did things a certain way.  It helped me to understand myself a little better and also give language to some of emotions I felt but was never able to put into words. For example, following the test I understood why my thoughts ruled me more than my emotions did.  Why no matter how much emotion I felt I still had to analyze each situation and go with what my head was saying. (According to the test, I am a "thinker" as opposed to a "feeler".  I never even knew someone could be classified as one or the other but it sure does make sense) Something the test did which I did not expect to do though, was both reveal and give excuses for my bondage. A personality test puts you in a box, a box with a four-letter combination code on the front telling you who you are.  I quickly gravitated to it and was able to process my thoughts, actions, strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes all through who I was told I was.  Two instances which were perfect opportunities for the Lord to bring me greater levels of freedom but I initially missed (because of the excuse I was able to fall back on) caused me see the danger. I found myself as usual over analyzing situations  but now, I was able to brush it off as my being a "thinker" and justified it by saying it is who the Lord made me to be.  Or, if I had an idea of what things were supposed to look like and they didn’t work out that way, Id tell myself the disappointment was all because my personality tends to live by a certain set of standards and when they get disturbed, I naturally would have a hard time functioning. Although these may be facts and very much part of my “personality", the very one the Lord chose for me, like everything else in life it is the enemy's goal to take what God meant for good and then twist it to some form of extreme placing us in bondage. In the case of the Myers Briggs personality test, our bondage can easily be masked behind a quite flattering, ear pleasing description.  For example, they say the following are positive qualities of an ESTJ. "Stable, dependable and can be counted on to promote security for their families" Great qualities absolutely! And certainly a flattering compliment, BUT when twisted by the enemy, can easily be an excuse for "false responsibility".  Another example for instance, an ESTJ may "Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations"- another positive attribute and yet, if I struggled with say religion, fear of man or even striving they could easily be hidden under this complimentary description of my personality. If I didn’t struggle with any of those things, well all it did was feed my pride.  You may think that I am taking this to an extreme, and sure you can say that this is the truth about everything in life, that there must be balance.  But my point is we cannot find our identity in ANYTHING outside of Christ, and the only labels we should claim as our own are the ones the Lord has given us. Otherwise we are willingly putting ourselves in a box. It is only our identity in HIM that never changes. The reality is, we are nothing outside of Jesus and can do no thing apart from Him. Even the positive parts of who God created us to be should not be acknowledged as or "own". Something owned, credit could be taken for and that only leads to pride. On the other end of the spectrum there is a set of weaknesses that come along with each personality. In my case, each weakness listed happen to be very difficult areas in my life. Areas in which I struggle tremendously. To have that label put over me, to claim it as my own, as part of my personality only gives ground to the enemy. Each time I claim that personality and speak it over myself, I claim the bad along with the good. 

However, one of the first things I recognized when I first read the results of my test were how many of the characteristics associated with my personality had actually changed since I met Jesus.  Clearly as the bible states, once I had given my life to Jesus, I wasn’t the same person. “Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."   So if that is the case, who is to say that I was bound to anything else my profile said? It is possible that some may say I am, but certainly not Jesus.  I have even encountered Christians who since taking the test have argued the point that once you are a certain "type", there is no changing. If that truly were the case, where does God come into the picture? If you are considered an introvert but deep down the only reason for this is because of some form of bondage your in- lets say you have fear of rejection, self-hatred, or maybe its something as simple as being shy. Would God ever leave you in this place? CERTAINLY NOT! To put it all under the name of an introverted personality would be an easy outlet to avoid dealing with these issues and certainly what the enemy would have you do.  But God wouldn’t have you do that. He is all about shattering boxes and changing mindsets. It very well may be the case that once He sets you free- you are classified more as an extrovert. 

So with all the changing and new levels of freedom we reach, what does that look like? Well for one, it means stripping yourself of every and any thing that you find your identity in including the four letter combination of your personality. 

The truth is, this is hard though. We are all desperately longing to find our identify in something. The Lord has put the desire within us to be loved and be acknowledged. We long to have a purpose and to be affirmed. It is HIS intention to fill these longings in our hearts as well as reveal our identity to us as sons and daughters of a King, but because of so many barriers around are hearts from wounds, past experiences, wrong mindsets etc, who we are in HIM is not always easy to grasp. And then, as always the enemy sneaks in and will send on endless rampages of finding our identity in other things.  Sometimes this is even the reason we dress certain ways, color our hair, take up certain professions or hobbies, form many relationships so on and so forth. But with these things, as much as we DO NOT want to find our identity in them, they don’t necessarily form the same boxes as our personality box,. These tend to be more qualities we would list as PART of who we are. For example one who makes the statement "I am a lawyer" can also make the statement "I am a mother" or "I am a gymnast"

To say "I am an ESTJ" or "I am an INFP " well- you cant be more than one personality. You can’t say in one breath that you are being conformed daily into His image and then claim something over yourself that can only change if your "personality" changes. And in that case, why even have a "personality type" if it is in fact continually changing. 
With this said, I want to clarify that I very much believe that the results are accurate and that God wires us with certain personalities. Time after time I was astonished when I read the results of someone I knew well. How accurate the description was. The Lord has just put it on my heart to warn His children of the danger. To be careful not to take a positive attribute and use it to hide a bondage. To be careful not to read your weaknesses and feel bound to them because the results say they are part of who you are. I believe the test is more a guide to help you identify these weaknesses so that the Lord can  work on them in you and recognize strengths but without being prideful in them. And also keep in mind that the distinction between what they they classify as a "weakness" or "strength" may actually be in the wrong category. 

Taking that one step further as we look at what scriptures says, you will find two key words “putting on” and “putting away.” The Bible tells us that we are the ones who are to try and “put on” the good and godly qualities that God will want us to have operating in our personalities, and to “put away” all of the bad and negative qualities that He will not want us to have operating in our personalities. Basically "Put on Christ" and "Put away our flesh"  Remembering that it is only by the Holy Spirit that we find the strength and grace to do both as we choose to walk in the spirit. And walking in the spirit has no limitations, there are also times when God will require something that goes against who He naturally created you to be.   He may speak to someone about spending more time in the "secret place and less time in fellowship. If one is considered an extrovert and is continually speaking it over themselves, they may find the power of their words have caused greater opposition as they begin walking this out. 

There are moments when God will have you operating in the characteristics that would classify you as an introvert and moments where you would be classified as an extrovert. Moments where He will have you "feel" things that He needs you to follow and moments that He will have you fall back on your "thinking" abilities.  Walk in that freedom. The freedom to simply have no label outside of which the Lord has called us.  To be a daughter or son of the most High God being changed from glory to glory.

It never turns out as we expect...

When I first got saved, one of the first things I understood about walking with Jesus was the need for complete surrender. With that understanding, I was very quick to lay down and walk away from any and everything that the Lord required of me. Little did I know, how easy it is to pick things back up, how easy it is to take things back without even realizing it and how surrender is not a one time or even a two, three or four time requirement but rather a daily laying down of our lives, our hopes, our dreams, our desires so on and so forth. It is part of the cross we bear, part of the constant dying to ourselves. Our flesh is full of pride and it desires to be in control, have what it wants when it wants and it justifies itself by staking claims to some form of right. Our carnal minds have their own ideas of what our lives should look like, the time frames we should accomplish things within, the way that we should serve God, the blessings we should have, even the best trials that we should face that would result in the greatest refinement. Whatever it may be, we have an idea of what it SHOULD all look like.  And then, Jesus comes along shatters every box, bursts every bubble, does exactly what you DONT expect and that is how you get from what you THINK it should look like all the way over to what it ACTUALLY does look like.

Most of you are aware that when I returned from IHOP-KC that I had plans to go on a mission trip to Africa/Israel. Oh I was sooo excited to be serving God in this capacity. I was excited to experience God on this new level and looked forward to being used by Him in a radical way. I figured it had to be fully in the will of God because I was planning to go on this trip to serve Him. I was struggling a lot at this point, I couldn’t figure out what was going on but I was tired of listening to sermons and teachings, tired of singing songs and reading book after book that talked about DOING the work of the Lord but meanwhile it seemed that I wasn’t doing anything.   I knew I needed a fresh encounter with Jesus; I needed SOMETHING to ignite the fire within again. Although my hearts motives were pure, God knew what I needed more than I knew. And He knew that He didn’t NEED me to go to Africa, as much as I NEEDED to remain home in NJ.  But at this time, it made zero sense to me. I felt as though I had failed God. I felt as though the past year and a half had been a waste. I returned back to "normal life" with my head hung low in defeat with no other option but to return to work. How could it be? Didn’t God have big plans for my life? Wasn’t I of any use to Him? I had already failed at so many things in life but the one thing I could not face was failing God. Of course these thoughts were all lies but one of the biggest dangers when "our plans" get interrupted is instead of recognizing our sin and going before the Lord, we listen to the screaming voice of the enemy as He laughs at us, calls us failures, unworthy and tells us that our God has forsaken us.  When in reality all that happen was I picked my life back up, I took control again. And God loves me way to much to leave me outside of His will,  attempting to do things in my own strength and so He allowed me to fail at my plans so that I would have to fall back into His grace and ultimately align myself back up with His perfect will. 

Of course through this all, in HIS faithfulness, God was still very much at work. In a different way than I had experienced, it was as if He was working behind the scenes gently pushing me along and orchestrating things together while I was caught up with the hopelessness I felt. He opened doors for me to work again, it required about 1% of my energy and next thing you know there I was working.  However, I found myself back in the mundane routine of "life"-getting up early, going to work all day, coming home exhausted, having dinner before bed- only to start all over again the following day. One night in an all out moment of desperation after a few weeks of feeling as though nothing had a purpose,  I got in my car and as I drove I cried out to Jesus.  "I give up God, I give up!! I don’t care what it takes, what it looks like, im sorry for trying to control my life, I just want to feel your closeness, I want the peace that comes from being in YOUR total will."  Something broke. I immediately felt something lift off of me. That night I went to bed with a little more hope than I experienced in weeks and the Lord began to show me that night as well as in the following weeks how I had built walls in the process of His healing when we got to the deep places where I was wounded. Instead of trusting Him, I ran from the pain and in the process of protecting myself, I blocked Him out too and attempted to move forward the way I saw best. But home in NJ it was impossible to run from those things, the familiarity of it all caused memories and things within to surface bringing me right back to that same place. We may think we move on but Jesus is patient and will continue to bring us back to the same places over and over again until we are able to face them and deal with them once and for all. The following day a friend invited me to hear Lou Engle speak at JHOP in NYC.  The moment I stood there in the midst of my fellow brothers and sisters and I raised my hands in worship I remembered all the promises Jesus had made me, I remembered WHO I had given my life to. I felt His love wash over me and I was able to put my complete trust in Him again. I didnt have to protect myself, make plans for myself or really do anything because He was in complete control. The following week at work, a beautiful thing happen, I felt Jesus working along side me. He was teaching me how to find Him in the most worldly of places, teaching me to acknowledge Him in all things. And most importantly He reminded me that the people I was surrounded by were just as lost and broken as the people in Africa. I had my own mission field right in front of me and I didn’t even have to get a malaria shot or go thousands of miles on a plane!! Lol In addition to that, before leaving IHOP, the Lord had put NYC on my heart- something I was unable to focus on when I returned because I was so discouraged by everything else going on, but as He led me to JHOP-NYC to reunite me with the body of Christ and the family that I very much needed after leaving my IHOP family, and continued working on the heart I had been protecting the past few months, He also began to stir that burden for NYC up once again.  And so, these past few weeks I have been attending their friday night prayer sets as well as Sunday service and the Lord has been doing incredible work in my heart, giving me such amazing revelations of who He is as my father and bringing me to new levels of freedom.  As I move forward allowing Jesus to heal me and change my wrong mindsets (a daily process), He has also opened my eyes to all the lost around me. The burden on my heart is intense and as He places so many lost souls on my path that I am able to share the goodness of Jesus with, my prayer is that that I would faithful to Him, that I would be sensitive to all that He is speaking and requiring of me.  It is His heart that none shall perish and because the harvest is plentiful and the laborers are few, all I can do is offer myself in full surrender, be willing to be His hands and His voice even when it looks differently than I expected it to. Even when it’s difficult, when the burden on my heart aches to the point that I can’t sleep at night, when it feels like im not accomplishing anything. I will remain faithful to Him. Why? Because He is faithful to me and above all else, HE IS WORTHY.

 This experience above all else has been so humbling and has taught me to have soooo much grace on others.  And so although life is turning out completely differently than I expected, knowing that I am in His will brings me a greater peace than anything else.  I dont have any idea what things will look like moving forward but I find that very comforting. I believe that sometimes when we THINK we know what His plans are we hold onto them and they become a source of comfort for us. When they dont turn out the way we planned, well we get discouraged. BUT when we walk, gazing ONLY on the beauty of our savior, not looking down at the path or where we are walking, it is Him we place our trust in. It is His job to keep us from falling and guide us the right way and I cannot think of anyone else who id rather place my trust in. 

It begins here...

Welcome!!

I am so excited that moving forward I will be able to continually share all that the Lord is doing in my life!

It has been an exciting year and a half since I first met Jesus and most of you already know about my move from Kansas City, MO back to my home state of NJ. After 9 months of being part of the International House of Prayer, I am officially a NJ resident again.  My time in KC was incredible and the Lord has blown my mind with all He has done! However, that season is over and the next one is now beginning. I wasnt quite sure what the Lord had for me in NJ when I heard His voice saying my time at IHOP was up, but in faith, I have taken that step. Another step into the unknown, another step simply trusting His perfect leadership.

The one thing I do know is I need an outlet to pour out all that the Lord has poured into me.

So, in the midst of transition... "bam" out of nowhere (God tends to do that) an opportunity presents itself.  An opportunity that caused an incredible stirring in my heart. Another chance to serve the Lord and and even be a small answer to the many prayers even I myself have prayed at IHOP.

A 3 week ministry trip traveling to Africa for two weeks and then heading to Israel for a week.  The trip is to take place the second week of October and once I heard all that was involved, everything within me was so excited to be able to join with the Lords heart and serve Him in this new capacity.

This opportunity was presented to me by one of my closest sisters in Christ. Her parents (who are pastors in Oregon) were invited to speak at a Pastors Conference in Africa and so therefore I will be going as part of their ministry team. At the conference (which will be only a few days) we would have the amazing opportunity to sow into and love on the pastors there. The remainder of the time would be filled with visiting orphanages, working hands on and loving on these children who have nothing! We will be ministering at nearby churches, bringing the gospel to to the lost and brokenhearted and just allowing the Lord to use us in any way He chooses. After spending 9 mos at IHOP where many prayers were lifted up for these very things, for orphans, for brokenhearted people who dont know Jesus, the pastors and leaders in other nations, Israel and the Jewish people, it is time that I physically partner with the Lords heart as a willing vessel being  the answer to some of my own prayers.

The other portion of the trip would be spent in Israel. How can we say that we love Jesus but have no heart or grid for His chosen land, His chosen people? Loving someone means we love what they care about and God's heart IS for His people in Israel. The opportunity to go and walk the streets of Jerusalem, actually be in the place where the bible was written and took place is a tremendous blessing. We will be going as the intercessory missionaries we were trained at IHOP to be and will join with the House of Prayer in Jerusalem to pray and intercede for the Jewish people in Israel!!

As you can imagine, this is a MAJOR step in faith. It is literally weeks away and will be quite pricey. I am asking my friends and family to prayerfully consider partnering with me. Not only do I need to be covered in prayer but I am also in need of those who are willing to partner with me and sow into this trip financially.  God is so faithful to provide and I know that He is more than capable of funding the whole thing and so I am doing my part by making the need known. So, PLEASE consider being part of my first ever ministry trip!!!  I cant do this without YOU!! I have one month to raise $4500 and every little bit counts.  There is a "chip in" button on the top left where you can make donations if you feel led by the Lord to do so!
As I get more details about the itinerary, I will be posting them
Many blessings to you!!